Loneliness

Picasso, Blue Nude

Loneliness need not be despair.
It could be an opportunity.

Why are people lonely? It is because they feel no contact with anyone or anything else. They need to feel that they are valued, that they are a part of something, and that their environment will respond to them. When that does not happen, they feel isolated.

One of the major strategies for combating loneliness is to have a mate and family. That is not always perfect, and the problems of a relationship and family sometimes outweigh the terror of loneliness. It is far better to be self-sufficient. Then whether one has loved ones or not, one will not suffer from loneliness.

Some people claim that self-sufficiency is a myth. A person is a social animal, they declare; people cannot successfully live outside of some community. But that is not the correct way to understand true self-sufficiency. What we are referring to is a supreme sense of connection with oneself and the cosmos around oneself. This doesn’t preclude community with others, but it does prevent the excesses and shortcomings that occur when society is one’s only source of union.

Tao surrounds us. One who is with Tao is never lonely, but is an integral part of the natural cycle. In the same way that water surrounds a fish, Tao surrounds us. If we feel lonely, then it is only because we are forgetting how we are totally immersed in Tao. That is why loneliness can be an opportunity : It reminds us that we are dwelling on our own egoistic identity rather than on the support of Tao.

Deng Ming Tao, 365 Tao

“Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.” — Paul Tillich

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” — Henry Rollins

“Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement.” — Alice Koller

“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.” — Ellen Burstyn

“Solitude is not something you must hope for in the future. Rather, it is a deepening of the present, and unless you look for it in the present you will never find it.” — Thomas Merton

If you went back and read some of my earliest blog postings from a few years ago, you would see it was a time when I felt quite lonely and isolated. After my brief breakdown, I went through a period of needing to be around other people, and yet, there were few people then who seemed to want to be around me. I was not so much lonely as incredibly anxious when I was by myself.

As things stabilized for me, I felt less and less need to be around others, and returned to the state that was most common for me in my youth – being happiest to be left alone. I grew up enjoying solitude, rather than wanting the company of a lot of other people. i typically had a few close friends, and while polite to others, was always somewhat aloof. The classic introvert.

So I am now pretty much comfortable either way – I don’t feel the stress and strain as much that I once felt being around a lot of other people at a time, but I also don’t feel lonely when by myself. So I suppose I’ve reached a state of being self-sufficient. And those I’m most comfortable around are pretty self-sufficient as well. I’m always aware of what is around me, whether nature, people, animals, whatever. And I know who around me is comfortable with themselves, who is putting on a show, who is getting high on being the star of the show, who is taking it all in and absorbing everything.

The last group interests me the most, usually, and are the ones I gravitate towards – people who not only know themselves well but are very aware of others. And there, very often, you’ll find the followers of the Tao, whether they know they are or not.