Win Without Fighting, (June 1998)
An article with many good points on resolving conflict:
First, to master the power of Tao, people should understand its meanings. Although most people have translated the term “Tao” as synonymous with the “path” or the “way,” the term’s original meanings in the Chinese language is much broader and also refers to “alternatives,” “choice(s),” “connection(s),” and “road(s),” among others. The best one-word interpretation of Tao is “alternatives,” because “Tao” refers to the ultimate reality or truth (Lao Tzu, Chapters 16 and 25), or all alternative relations and patterns governing the operation of the universe and people’s interaction with nature and with one another.
Subjectively, Tao always denotes a higher level of understanding of the world or action that can brings people out of the current mental or situational impasse or quandary. Lao Tzu also refers to it as “Te.” In addition, translating “Tao” as “alternatives” can better epitomize the profuse Taoist notions, which comprise two intrinsically related themes.
The first one is “Reversal is the movement of Tao” (Lao Tzu, Chapter 40). For example, the development and transformation of the universe can be characterized as the two complementary, interdependent phases of yin and yang, alternating in space and time. When things develop to extremes, they will evolve in the opposite directions.
The other Taoist central idea maintains that “Weakness is the Usage of Tao” (ibid.). The best embodiment of this axiom is water. People may obtain the cognizance of Tao by contemplating water. The highest good is like water, not only because water is good at benefiting the myriad creatures, but also because water, which is nurturing, soft, weak, and flexible, can vanquish hard and strong obstacles by selecting alternatives to reach its goals. As water does not compete, nobody can compete with it (Lao Tzu, Chapters 8 and 78).
Understanding the operation of Tao in the universe has three implications for mental health:
People experience frustrations and inner conflicts because their perceptions and actions are “unfit” for the reality, whereas interpersonal harmony and inner peace are based on the awareness of Tao (the alternative relations) and on the manners that are congruous with the knowledge.
Everything in the universe, including people’s cognition and actions, is constantly involved in the changing and developmental processes, interacting with each other. Individuals who understand Tao are those who understand how things will develop without active interference in their natural courses. They know how to borrow the powers of all alternative factors (social, natural, external, psychological, etc.) to reach inner peace and interpersonal consonance.
Different actions result from the actor’s degree of understanding of the alternatives in the situation, because people’s choices of actions or perceptions in the world are fettered by their knowledge of Tao that regulates the nature and people. Often, people are embroiled in interpersonal conflicts not because they have evil motivations, but because they don’t know how to think or act alternatively in dealing with others.
Second, perfect mental health also depends upon interacting partners’ understanding of the self and the other(s) who possess either accurate understanding or distorted perceptions about the interpersonal reality. The Tao-consistent understanding involves correct cognizance of each other’s strengths, weaknesses, possible choices in the interaction — the impacts of the self upon the other — and the awareness of where you can correct the other’s misrepresentation of the interpersonal reality.
The accurate or distorted perceptions of each other will determine whether the partners in a conflict can reach harmony and enjoy the interaction. Individuals cannot think of you as you are and interact with you in an appropriate way if they have distorted cognition about how you evaluate them and your explanations for your interpersonal actions.
If you want others to accept your messages, you must invalidate their distorted perceptions and confirm their communications that are true.
For example, because one side’s behavior toward the other depends upon the target’s reactions to be realized, the continuation of interpersonal interactions or conflicts relies on the participants’ validation of each other’s actions or perceptions. According to Taoism, a person in a conflict situation may minimize the dissension by using alternatives that can transcend or invalidate the perceptions or expectations of the opponent who exacerbates the situation. People should apply calm to subdue the obstreperous (Sun Tzu, Chapter 7) and utilize stillness to overcome heat (ibid., Chapter 45).
An interacting strategy appropriate for one person may not be suitable for the other. According to the theory of five elements associated with I Ching practices, for example, water can overcome fire and produce wood, but water is vulnerable to earth. Although, in general, Taoism emphasizes the unity among people, not all people can match one another. If you select a wrong target, detachment may be the best choice.
Third, Taoism views people as a microcosm or small universe that is a part of, and the corollary to, the large universe (macrocosm). The Taoist concepts of mental health and higher consciousness are intimately associated with the awareness of how Tao operates in the universe, in human interactions, and within individuals. Various indicators of mental health, such as the ability to handle any type of uncertainty, self-confidence and self-esteem, inner peace and tranquility, tolerance, the sense of fulfillment and oneness with the universe and other people, can all be derived from the awareness of powers of Tao that influence the self and others’ lives and from the capacity to understand the self-frustrations and negative experiences as a result of not using alternatives.
A portion of psychopathology can be attributed to the imbalance in the way people’s brains metabolize certain neurotransmitters based on the pharmaceutical model. However, most mental illnesses are associated with a profound sense of lack of control over one’s life or anything that one does, the distrust of other people, a sense of disconnectedness, and a loss of confidence in others.
According to the traditional Chinese medical theory, when the parts of the bodily system are connected, there is no pain; if there is a pain, there must be a blockage. This idea can also be used to explain and treat mental illnesses. Mental conflicts result when there is a desire to reach harmony but a perceived lack of capacity to reach oneness. An effective treatment for mental illnesses should offer a new comprehension about how to unlearn past hurts and offer Taoist ways to help clients feel connected.
— Key Sun, Ph.D., M.S.W. is a counselor and scholar in social psychology, Taoist psychology, and traditional Chinese healing arts
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I’ve certainly felt that desire to reach harmony and not being able to, and yes, it did lead to mental distress for me. I’ve resolved those issues within myself now, except for a wistful feeling that I still sometimes wish I could resolve things with those people who cut me off.
Perhaps it is that feeling that still keeps me searching the path of Tao. Within myself, I feel I’ve reached inner peace at times, but in interpersonal relationships, I still have a good long ways to travel. But then, even the Dalai Lama doesn’t seem to be able to resolve things with China. Sometimes, the other simply doesn’t want things resolved, and there is nothing you can do, so yes, detachment from the emotional issues that surround them is best. If people prefer conflict or detachment and aloneness to being part of Tao and the universe as a whole, I guess there is little one can do to reach them. I don’t mind so much that others detached from me at those points in my life, but to not be willing to work things out later seems heartless to me. There is an element to those kind of people that I still do not fully understand, but perhaps it is simply so alien an idea to me that I cannot comprehend it.
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