What Not to Say to an Introvert
Introverts, those quiet creatures that walk among you, are not as mild-mannered as made out to be. They seethe and even will lash out at those who encroach upon or malign their personal comfort zones. Here are a few emotional buttons to avoid with your introverted companions.
* “‘Why don’t you like parties? Don’t you like people?’ is a common remark introverts hear,” says Marti Laney, a psychologist and the author of The Introvert Advantage. “Usually we like people fine,” she insists. “We just like them in small doses.” Cocktail parties can be deadly. “We’re social but it’s a different type of socializing.”
* “Surprise, we’ve decided to bring the family and stay with you for the weekend.” Anyone anywhere on the -vert spectrum could find such a declaration objectionable, but it’s more likely to bring an introvert to a boil, according to Nancy Ancowitz. Introverts count on their downtime to rejuvenate their resources; an extended presence in their homes robs them of that respite.
* Don’t demand immediate feedback from an introvert. “Extraverts think we have answers but just aren’t giving them,” Laney says. “They don’t understand we need time to formulate them” and often won’t talk until a thought is suitably polished.
* Don’t ask introverts why they’re not contributing in meetings. If you’re holding a brainstorming session, let the introvert prepare, or encourage him to follow up with his contributions afterward.
* Don’t interrupt if an introvert does get to talking. Listen closely. “Being overlooked is a really big issue for introverts,” Laney says. Introverts are unlikely to repeat themselves; they will not risk making the same mistake twice.
* Above all, “we hate people telling us how we can be more extraverted, as if that’s the desired state,” says Beth Buelow, a life and leadership coach for introverts. Many introverts are happy with the way they are. And if you’re not, that’s your problem.—Matthew Hutson
3 Responses
Yes, this. Thank you so much for sharing that article.
This introvert rarely has to put up with these kinds of questions and comments from others — I stay away from people! 😀
I couldn’t agree more! I’m an introvert who gets by in an extrovert world. Just the other day in a meeting (it was a brainstorming session), I had an extrovert cut me off and tell me I wasn’t thinking big picture enough, the funny thing is when he did the same thing to a few of the extroverts a few minutes later. I clammed up, they did the opposite. Either way, it was pretty amusing.